Mark Megahan
While “monogamy” or the practice of only having one mate at a time, is by far the most popular option, it isn’t the only one. Rainbow flag waving “pride” types didn’t come up with the idea, but they have brought it a lot further out into the open. The Mormon sects which have leaned that way for a couple of centuries didn’t corner the market on polygamy. Their ways of embracing the lifestyle are also unique to their culture. Polyamorous relationships are a lot more common than most people realize because they’re usually kept low key.
Monogamy has limits
Recently, The New York Post disturbed more traditional Americans who believe in monogamy by running a story about “two married couples who divorced each other to form a polyamorous foursome after falling in love with one another.”
While that family caught major attention, you probably never noticed the mom who stays home with the kids and handles the books for the long haul trucking company. The one who happens to have two husbands who are both drivers. One takes the rig on the road for a two week trip while the other stays home, then switch. The kids are from both of them.
There are certain limitations to monogamy which are expanded by the practice of polygamy, polyandry, or general “polyamorous” behavior. The first is the obvious spice it adds in the bedroom. The varieties of options are endless.
By sharing the experience nobody is hiding or cheating so there isn’t the associated guilt. That does not mean that it’s all fun and games, either. As soon as the relationship moves out of the bedroom, friction is sure to develop in other ways. The most common is jealousy.
When your girlfriend has a girlfriend, who’s generous and playful enough to let you join once in a while, for instance, it’s important to respect everyone’s boundaries. The relationships are different and so are the expectations for all involved. Everyone needs their “one-on-one” time with their other partners in equal shares, as arranged by negotiation.
Say things go well for a few years with a couple who has an outside girlfriend they share between them and eventually another guy moves in. Soon, they have the benefits of a three income household. It’s guaranteed to change the dynamic with the girlfriend. That means a total renegotiation of the terms. The relationships can work but they take a lot more energy than traditional monogamy.
Not looking for life partners
The example written up by the Post is typical. The people who end up breaking away from monogamy are usually as surprised as everyone else when it happens. “None of us were looking for life partners, but that’s what we had found,” Rachel Wright relates. “After we all fell in love, the label of ‘polyamorous‘ stuck.”
The 34-year-old “thought something was ‘wrong‘ with her for desiring non-monogamy, recalling how difficult dating was while growing up.” She met Kyle when they were working together in the same restaurant.
Rachel married Kyle in 2016 and they both agreed “to open up their marriage and eventually met Yair Lenchner and Ashley Giddens, both 36.” They went to the extreme of officially dissolving their vows by divorce so they could “open up their marriage and form a foursome” in 2021. It worked, for a while. “We all fit together as though we had been friends for decades.”
While it didn’t work so great for all of them, they haven’t gone back to monogamy either. “We couldn’t stop talking, texting and spending time together. It was a really unique experience that laid a foundation for what we have now.” Kyle eventually left the relationship, which was “incredibly hard” for Wright, “who still loves him.” It’s not for everyone. “We all fit together as though we had been friends for decades. He is a very special person and I will always love him – we were best friends and partners.“
