Mark Megahan
A good old fashioned pistol duel, I mused, was the only proper way to settle the sort of gentlemanly workplace dispute I’d recently been faced with. The company isn’t big enough for both me and Jenkins, so one of us would need to go. Human resources frowns on workplace violence but today we have less lethal options to choose from. With that in mind, I did a little online shopping.
Duel it out
Planning a duel may seem a little extreme but I had my reasons. Jenkins was a threat to my normally placid peace of mind before I even met him. About three weeks ago, as I pulled into the company parking lot, I was dismayed to see a Prius parked in my regular space.
It’s not like I had my name stenciled on it or anything, so I simply took it in stride and found another spot. Though it wasn’t as close to the building and lacked any shade. I soon learned that the owner of the Prius was to occupy the desk next to mine.
For the next three weeks, Jenkins always managed to claim my space ahead of me. I could have left home a little sooner to beat him but that would mean setting down the bong sooner too. Usually, I’m lucky to get in the door barely on time. It wasn’t the parking space that prompted the duel.
It also wasn’t the way Jenkins had a habit of standing quietly behind me while I was busy working. At least, not directly. I generally ignored the annoying habits of my new co-worker until the big monthly team meeting.
For the past week I had been slaving over a powerpoint, only to have Jenkins march into the conference room and summarize it, taking full credit. The boss was thrilled, heartily patting the newbie on the back, thinking it was the product of his expensive liberal education, rather than the diligent work of a seasoned employee.
It’s clear I had been wronged and deserved “satisfaction.” A duel to the death is in order, I fumed. While dueling to the death may sound rather satisfying, it’s not real practical in today’s modern society. Yet, I realized, there are possibilities.
A few items online
It didn’t take long to find exactly what I was looking for online and my order arrived in just a few days. I was so cheerful and anxious to get to work that I arrived ahead of Jenkins to claim my rightful space.
I took the opportunity to lay an ambush, casually removing the new driving gloves I’d bought specially for the occasion. They’re almost a requirement for issuing the challenge of a duel. When he arrived, parked and got out of his car, I used my brand new gloves to smack him across the face with.
I waited just long enough for the impulses to flash through his brain realizing he’d been assaulted to say, “you deserved that.” He knew what I was talking about and his jaw went slack as I told him I wasn’t thrilled with his eager beaver presentation the other day.
“I demand a duel,” I added. “Unless you want me to take my timestamped powerpoint to the old man and explain where you got it.” He had a blank glazed look on his face. “Ten paces, turn and shoot,” I declared. “With paintball pistols.” The loser, I continued, would leave and not look back.
Since he didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter, Jenkins agreed. We selected friends to serve as seconds and arranged to meet in a local park. After allowing Jenkins to choose his pistol, they were loaded by the seconds with a single shot each. We stood back to back and prepared for the conflict. At the signal from the seconds, we each paced off ten steps and turned. That was the hardest part of the whole duel for me, as I planned to allow him the first shot.
Most people aren’t real accurate with a pistol, especially when they hurry. I was expecting the eager beaver to turn and blast which is exactly what he did. His ball missed by a mile. With all the time in the world, I carefully lined his chest up between the sights like he was standing between the parallel lines of my parking space and slowly squeezed the trigger. As a florescent red stain spread across the front of his shirt, it looked like I’d blasted his lungs out. “Clean out your desk tomorrow,” I ordered. “And keep your Prius out of my parking space.” Thanks to modern technology, the duel may never go out of style.
